Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Hard Day

I am having a really hard day. It doesn't help that it's completely overcast outside and I don't do well without the sun. I am hungry, hungry, hungry...not sure if it's real hunger or "in my head" and to make it worse, I'm craving all things bad. I had a great breakfast - soy milk with plain cheerios and a sliced banana on top. Yum. But an hour later my stomach was actually growling. So I had a protein bar for 160 calories along with a Weight Watchers cookie for 90 calories. NOT THE BEST WAY TO SPEND MY LIMITED CALORIES.

Shortly after I ate those my hunger had subsided but I still wanted to eat lunch so I reheated one of my favorite childhood foods - Creamed Tuna. Most people gag at this but I love it. Possibly because it reminds me of less stressful times. BTW, Creamed Tuna is a rue with tuna and sweet peas over toast. It actually looks like prison food. I made Savannah try a bite because I knew she liked all the things in it so it couldn't be that bad. She said it was tasteless. Hmmm......

Anyway, I am feeling guilt over my food choices, probably because I am still not satisfied even though I am no longer "hungry". Knowing me, I will probably continue to eat all afternoon, but hopefully will at least make better food choices. Better to pig out of fruit and veggies, right? Our schedule has been so hectic lately because of our move that I haven't been to the gym in probably a week. However, I have chosen to stay active as much as possible and have done a few exercise videos at home and we have taken many walks. Yesterday we walked to Sammy's vet appt. Yea us. At least I'm doing something. But not working out at the gym in addition to making poor, although not terrible, food choices has left me feeling very defeated and depressed. I MUST GET OUT OF THIS FUNK. I keep telling myself "tomorrow will be a better day and we'll get to the gym". Going to the gym helps keep me focused and motivated. However, "tomorrow" keeps getting pushed off. I WILL GET IT TOGETHER SOON, RIGHT?

Part of my problem is that I stopped taking anything for my depression and I allowed myself to get into a terrible place before I realized I need to make a change. Just a week ago I realized how literally depressed I've been over the last few months but was in denial. You see, I took Zoloft (antidepressant) for 16 years. Almost 2 years ago I felt God nudging me to quit taking it. So I did. But I started St. John's Wort pretty quickly when I realized it was foolish to think I could manage without ANYTHING. St. John's Wort is an herbal alternative with no side effects. I took that for a long time feeling great and so proud of myself that I could function well without Zoloft. Then I quit taking the St. John's Wort and have been a bear to live with for months. Just last week I realized it was time to go back on and stay with it probably forever. But it takes approx. a month before you actually feel better so I'm still waiting...meanwhile, I'm still difficult and depressed. The best way to describe how I feel is hopeless and irritable. I don't lie around sleeping and doing nothing all day...but I am NOT happy and have a terrible attitude inside. I don't enjoy the things I used to or even the people in my life as much. I honestly started thinking my husband was a different person and I couldn't figure out why he was acting so different lately....duh, HE is not the problem. That would be me.

So....while I wait for my wonder drug to take effect, I still have to figure out how to survive each day without biting everyone's heads off and how to be productive and focused and motivated. Unbelievably challenging for me right now. Say a prayer for me please?

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