Still trying...

Well, here we are, almost 5 weeks after my miscarriage. This week has been strangely emotional for me. Last night we were at Barnes & Noble and I ran across a really cool book called "From Conception to Birth". I picked it up and thumbed through the beautiful pages of very detailed photos. I have been wondering how far along my baby was when it died. I wasn't sure how much had developed in the short 5-6 weeks I was pregnant. I decided to look in this book to find my answer. I had been thinking the heart probably hadn't developed yet, or maybe I was just hoping because that would make it easier. But of course I was wrong. And that's what has made me so sad...knowing my baby most likely already had a heartbeat was very hard to swallow. It made it so much more real. There is a chance it hadn't developed a heart yet and maybe that's why I miscarried but we'll never know and I'll always wonder. And I'll always assume it did.

We are trudging along though. I use the word "trudging" because it feels like I've been trying to get pregnant forever. In reality, it's only been since July! It feels like a long time because I have wanted this baby for 7 years (really 36) and honestly never thought I'd get it. So now my window of opportunity has been opened and I can hardly wait! Getting pregnant the first month we tried didn't help with my patience either. :) And now having to start over is difficult. But I trust my God and know it will be okay. Even if for some reason it's not in his plan for me to have another one, I'll know and believe there is a good reason. We went through a very difficult time with our oldest son about 3.5 years ago and I remember telling my husband that even though I wanted another child so badly, I was really glad that I didn't have a baby or toddler at that time. It would have been too much to deal with. Going through that and feeling that way showed me that I need to trust him even more when things don't go my way. There's always a reason...always. Many things probably won't be understood until we reach heaven, but our job on earth is to trust him. Like I said to Eythan this weekend...TRUST ME that I won't let go of the rope (when we were rock climbing and had learned how to belay - which means holding the rope for each other as opposed to the rope being attached to the wall). Eythan made me lower him back down because he didn't trust me. He didn't think I could hold him (however, I can hold Tim who is 80 pounds heavier than Eythan). We worked it out and he got back on that wall and climbed with me holding the rope, but the point is I knew in the deepest place in my heart that I wouldn't let him fall. But he wasn't so sure. We do that with God, don't we? Are you sure you've got this, God?? I think I better get down just in case you drop me! It's better to be safe than sorry, right? Wrong. We have every reason to trust him and no reason not to. So let's do that.

I would like to be pregnant again right now. But I will wait for the day when God says it's time. Until then I will anticipate that day with great desire and hope for the best!

Home from Missouri

My favorite picture of the week:



We took Eythan back to the ranch last week and then spent 4 days with my aunt at the Lake of the Ozarks. I love being at the lake! If we could, Tim and I would drop everything and move there! After our 4 days with my aunt and my cousin, we drove back to the ranch and spent the weekend with Eythan and all the other families who were visiting for family weekend. It was a truly amazing weekend. God was so present and I wish every one of you could have been there to witness the amazing things God is doing there. But since you weren't, I will just share my pictures. :)

Eythan & Joshua

If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for Joshua. He just turned 18 and therefore is allowed to leave the ranch on his own. He was only at the ranch for 6 months, which is a very short stay. He thinks he is ready to go home but we are all concerned that it's too soon. Please pray for him! He lives in Dallas.

Some of the boys (and 2 sisters of one of the boys) getting ready to drive go karts.


Eythan go karting.






Us at the ranch.


Tim & Savannah (she wasn't very happy because she had an ear ache the whole weekend).


This is Pastor (in the cowboy hat) talking to his dad who had just been kicked in the leg by one of their horses.


This is Savannah with Elizabeth, who is the sister of Seth at the ranch. They are both 7 years old so they played together all weekend.


Eythan waiting in line to be baptized in their pool. I think there were like 19 boys who were baptized that day! It was awesome!!










This is Pastor's pastor who led him to the Lord in Greece when he was in the army. He was telling Eythan and me that Eythan got his eyes from me. :)




I have many more pictures but it will take me forever to upload them here so later I will post a link to them. Keep praying for Eythan...he is making leaps and bounds and we are so excited about what God has planned for him.

In Missouri

We arrived in Couch, MO last night around 10pm. It was too late to go see Eythan so we waited until this morning to see him. He always runs to us with a big hug...he can hardly wait to see us and hug us. It's really nice. We are allowed to take him off "campus" until Tuesday night which will give us lots and lots of time to be with him. We drove about 25 miles away to another small town called White Plains, MO and spent all day there today. We shopped a little, ate, went to a really nice little park. The weather couldn't have been better...it was sunny and probably around 70 degrees, maybe warmer. Tonight we ate dinner at a really good restaurant and then saw Race to Witch Mountain. Tomorrow we are gonna bowl. That's all we have planned so far! I'm sure we'll have quite a bit of down time before we take him back to the ranch, which is okay. We can't be entertained 24/7, right? :) We had a really nice day with him today and I have seen more changes in him that are very pleasant. I know God is really making some changes in him and we are excited about what his future holds. Keep praying for him!

On a different note, I think I went a little overboard on what I ate today. Today was the first day I allowed myself (because I really didn't have a choice) to eat out so much. I think I made very good and reasonable choices but my stomach is not very happy with me right now. It was probably the pizza I had for lunch...which I thought was an okay choice because I started with a salad and only had 2 small pieces of pizza. Maybe not. :) I think I'd better stick with Quizno's or even just a salad instead of salad plus grease. I should know better.

We are driving to Kansas on Wednesday to see my best friend and her new baby and some of my family. We were just there at Christmas but I'm totally excited to see everyone again! Kansas is my home and I will always love going.

I suppose I should try to sleep now since it's 12:45am. But I'm sure I'll instead decide to play Solitaire until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. (I don't like to go to sleep with an upset stomach; who does, right?) So goodnight!

Eythan at the ranch

My good friend Tracy took these pictures of my son at the ranch just a couple of weeks ago. Tracy's son is also there and doing very well! We have a trip planned in March to see Eythan so I will have tons more pictures then.