Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Still trying...

Well, here we are, almost 5 weeks after my miscarriage. This week has been strangely emotional for me. Last night we were at Barnes & Noble and I ran across a really cool book called "From Conception to Birth". I picked it up and thumbed through the beautiful pages of very detailed photos. I have been wondering how far along my baby was when it died. I wasn't sure how much had developed in the short 5-6 weeks I was pregnant. I decided to look in this book to find my answer. I had been thinking the heart probably hadn't developed yet, or maybe I was just hoping because that would make it easier. But of course I was wrong. And that's what has made me so sad...knowing my baby most likely already had a heartbeat was very hard to swallow. It made it so much more real. There is a chance it hadn't developed a heart yet and maybe that's why I miscarried but we'll never know and I'll always wonder. And I'll always assume it did.

We are trudging along though. I use the word "trudging" because it feels like I've been trying to get pregnant forever. In reality, it's only been since July! It feels like a long time because I have wanted this baby for 7 years (really 36) and honestly never thought I'd get it. So now my window of opportunity has been opened and I can hardly wait! Getting pregnant the first month we tried didn't help with my patience either. :) And now having to start over is difficult. But I trust my God and know it will be okay. Even if for some reason it's not in his plan for me to have another one, I'll know and believe there is a good reason. We went through a very difficult time with our oldest son about 3.5 years ago and I remember telling my husband that even though I wanted another child so badly, I was really glad that I didn't have a baby or toddler at that time. It would have been too much to deal with. Going through that and feeling that way showed me that I need to trust him even more when things don't go my way. There's always a reason...always. Many things probably won't be understood until we reach heaven, but our job on earth is to trust him. Like I said to Eythan this weekend...TRUST ME that I won't let go of the rope (when we were rock climbing and had learned how to belay - which means holding the rope for each other as opposed to the rope being attached to the wall). Eythan made me lower him back down because he didn't trust me. He didn't think I could hold him (however, I can hold Tim who is 80 pounds heavier than Eythan). We worked it out and he got back on that wall and climbed with me holding the rope, but the point is I knew in the deepest place in my heart that I wouldn't let him fall. But he wasn't so sure. We do that with God, don't we? Are you sure you've got this, God?? I think I better get down just in case you drop me! It's better to be safe than sorry, right? Wrong. We have every reason to trust him and no reason not to. So let's do that.

I would like to be pregnant again right now. But I will wait for the day when God says it's time. Until then I will anticipate that day with great desire and hope for the best!

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