"Lord, I pray for protection for my mind. Please shield me from the lies of the enemy. I want so much to clearly discern between your voice and any other. Help me to thirst for your word and hunger for your truth so that I can quickly recognize wrong thinking." A.W. Tozer
I saw this on a plaque in the home of my daughter's art teacher and I had to grab it (not the plaque, just the prayer). You see, I had another miscarriage this week. The enemy quickly jumped on his opportunity to bring me down...way down. As soon as I realized I was losing this one, I was immediately angry. And to be completely honest, I was angry at God for letting this happen again. I fight against pessimism pretty constantly in my life but I was just convinced that my first miscarriage was a fluke and the next one would "take". I felt very optimistic and excited to get this journey going. So you can imagine my surprise when this happened again.
We originally thought it might be low progesterone causing it. I had my levels checked on Monday (right before I started bleeding) and it was extremely low. But when I visited my doctor on Wednesday morning she said it wasn't unusually low, but only because my HCG level was also low. When you are pregnant your HCG hormone level should be 100 or above and when it's that high your progesterone is supposed to be high also. But my HCG level was only 26. So because of this she wasn't concerned about the progesterone level being so low. The reason my HCG level was so low is because it was a chemical pregnancy. That means the egg and sperm met but didn't go anywhere. They never implanted in my uterus. So a chemical pregnancy is considered a very early miscarriage. My doctor said it isn't even considered a miscarriage but everything I read about it called it an early miscarriage. And to be honest, if the egg and sperm met then it's a miscarriage to me.
I was discouraged to find out she wasn't concerned about my progesterone because I thought if we fixed that then we could fix this problem. So at this point the only thing we can think of (if we're going to pinpoint a cause) is my connective tissue disease. On any given day my CTD doesn't bother me too much. It certainly doesn't disable me in any way. In fact, as long as I keep exercising I feel pretty good (aside from hip pain that never goes away but is manageable). But CTD is an autoimmune disease and that means my body attacks itself when it thinks something is wrong when actually there is nothing wrong. It's possible my body is attacking the pregnancies thinking they're bad. I am having no problem getting pregnant, just staying pregnant. Given this scenario, there's a chance I'll never be able to carry a baby.
That thought has caused me so much discouragement and anger this week. Thinking about how long I've wanted babies and then how long I've wanted another one after having Savannah. After years of fighting with my husband about having another baby, I finally realized it wasn't in the cards for us and I would have to accept that. And then he comes around...after I've finally accepted this difficult truth. So I was PUMPED! Totally ready to get going and feeling somewhat rushed because I'm 36. I know that's not too old, but consider my situation...22 year old son who is engaged and will be having kids of his own before long, 21 year old son who is in college, 16 (almost 17) year old son who is almost finished with high school, and 9 year old daughter which means I haven't had a baby in 10 years. Along with thinking that having CTD would probably age me sooner than expected. So having another kid in my late 30s wasn't ideal. But I've gotten used to the idea and am ready to go. But I don't want to be much older than I am now if we're gonna do this. So every time I find out it's gonna take another few months I get frustrated and discouraged.
I have the greatest friends in the world who do nothing but support and encourage me. My dear friend Andrea told me today not to let the enemy steal my joy. She said God can work around anything, including my disease. He brought my husband and I together in agreement after all these years about having another baby, so I need to let him do it! She's so right. I was angry and bitter wondering why God would bring me to this point and then not allow me to follow through. And to be quite honest, that could still be in his plan. But I am jumping to conclusions way too quickly. I need to give God a chance to shine in this situation. I WANT my Jesus to take my situation and make himself known through it. But I can't be discouraged and angry or else it won't happen.
So friends, please pray that no matter how our situation turns out that God will be glorified. I want to have a heart for him...even in the bad times...especially in the bad times.